Job Adverts - what they say.... and what they truly mean

Got this from Alasdair Murray's Copywriting Site..... so funny.


JOB ADS. WHAT THEY SAY AND WHAT THEY MEAN

ENTICING VOICE: “Looking for a brighter future?”

OFFICIOUS VOICE: Your desk will be near a window, or the MD’s solarium, we haven’t decided which yet.

ENTICING VOICE: “We’re an innovative company”.

OFFICIOUS VOICE: We were amongst the first to pioneer the introduction of soft toilet paper into the staff toilets, back in 1963.

ENTICING VOICE: “offering an exciting opportunity”

OFFICIOUS VOICE: Seriously. When was the last time you were genuinely “excited” at work, eh? And I’m not talking about that time at the Christmas party when you got pissed on cheap wine and thought it would be a laugh to photocopy your genitals. Yes, you’ll be vaguely excited for the first couple of days, maybe even a week. We all were. But the novelty will soon wear off and you’ll become sad, bitter and twisted like the rest of us.

ENTICING VOICE: “full of challenge and variety”

OFFICIOUS VOICE: You’ll be doing three people’s jobs.

ENTICING VOICE: “in a fast paced environment”

OFFICIOUS VOICE: You’ll be so bloody busy you’ll need to quite literally run round the office, so bring a pair of trainers.

ENTICING VOICE: “It’s a great opportunity to become a key player”

OFFICIOUS VOICE: We all nip down the pub for a couple of hours every lunchtime to drown our sorrows, leaving you on your own to answer the phones.

ENTICING VOICE: “and make a real difference”

OFFICIOUS VOICE: You’d better be good or you’ll be out on your arse quicker than you can say ‘probation period’.

ENTICING VOICE: “So, if you’re a self-starter”

OFFICIOUS VOICE: Seriously, if you are, please tell us what it means because we haven’t got a clue.

ENTICING VOICE: ”and team player”

OFFICIOUS VOICE: We have a company football team. You’re the goalie.

ENTICING VOICE: “with a flexible approach”

OFFICIOUS VOICE: Remember that bit we mentioned about doing three people’s jobs? Good. This is just a reminder. Slippers will do if you haven’t got any trainers

ENTICING VOICE: “and a great deal of tact and sensitivity”

OFFICIOUS VOICE: Did we mention that the boss is an arsehole?

ENTICING VOICE: “we would like to hear from you”

OFFICIOUS VOICE: We’re desperate. The last person who did the job went off on sick leave and never came back.

ENTICING VOICE: “As well as a competitive salary”

OFFICIOUS VOICE: Tell us how much you are being paid at the moment and we might offer you another £500. Don’t lie though. We’ll only find out.

ENTICING VOICE: “we offer a whole range of benefits”

OFFICIOUS VOICE: There’s a drinks machine – with a button for soup. Oh and a canteen, but no one eats in it since the last bout of food poisoning. And no, we don’t do mineral water out of poncey dispensers. Buy your own you tight arse.

ENTICING VOICE: “and modern offices situated in a prestigious location”

OFFICIOUS VOICE: Yes, the offices are lovely… if you can find them! We’re in the middle of some God forsaken industrial wilderness in the Thames Valley, off the ninth roundabout that looks exactly like the other eight you’ll drive past on your way to the interview, as you get hopelessly lost and arrive late, totally stressed out and in a foul mood.

ENTICING VOICE: “So what are you waiting for”?

OFFICIOUS VOICE: Look, we didn’t spend several thousand pounds on a sexy, all-singing, all-dancing ad just so you could read it, think about it and then simply turn the page. Apply! Now!

ENTICING VOICE: “Please send your current CV and salary details”

OFFICIOUS VOICE: Remember, no lying about how much you are currently paid and no boring drivel about how you are an avid train spotter who enjoys socialising with yourself, collecting martial arts videos and reading horror stories. We never read those bits anyway. Though on reflection, maybe we should.

ENTICING VOICE: “and take the first step towards that brighter future ”

OFFICIOUS VOICE: Oh go on then. We’ll throw in a desk lamp.